How to Make Friends When You Are Shy or Socially Anxious
We all want to have meaningful connections and treasured friends we can laugh with, spend our Friday nights with, and lean on when we feel stressed or sad or upset.
But for some of us, those initial connections are the hardest part. It’s the start that stops us!
If you are someone who considers yourself shy or introverted or socially anxious, know this for certain: you are not alone! You are in great company, as up to one in five struggle with all or some of these characteristics.
And here’s the even better news: sometimes those of us who are anxious or introverted or shy are actually even better at making deep and meaningful connections! You may find that first step hard, but for the introverts and the shy and socially anxious- you often spend more time in your head, which often translates to being able to connect on a deeper level once you find your people.
In other words: if you just had a few tools, and maybe a little courage you could have even deeper connections than those people you envy because it seems so easy for them to make friends and talk to strangers!
So how can you begin to get more comfortable approaching new people and making new friends?
First, for the shy and introverted:
Ask questions.
A wonderful secret for connecting with others is that when you ask people about themselves, it makes them feel that you like them. Most people like talking about themselves, so the easiest way to connect with a new person is often just to ask them questions that let them do exactly that.
It can be helpful to have a list of questions in your head that you can try out. As you practice you will discover which questions seem to elicit a positive response and even turn into a conversation that you enjoy.
A tip: try to stick to open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are those that require more than a one-word answer, which means that they’ll share more and hopefully you then both feel more comfortable and get a great conversation going.
Some open-ended questions to get you started include:
- What activities or sports do you like to do?
- What kind of music do you like to listen to?
- Tell me about your family.
- What made you decide to come to this event tonight?
- If you were in charge of the music, what songs would you play?
- I love your (shoes/haircut/shirt), where’d you get it?
- Gone on any great trips lately? What’s your favorite place to visit?
- And obviously, you can come up with your own!
Look for common interests.
As you’re considering what to say to someone new, it is always helpful if you can connect over a shared interest.
If you notice that their t-shirt is a musician or from a festival or a sports team you know and enjoy, ask about it. (Again, try to come up with an open-ended question if you can!)
If you know they’re on a sports team that you’ve been planning to try out, ask them about their sport. How did they get into it? Do they have any recommendations for how you can get into it or get better at it?
Same goes for if they do a performing art like band or choir or theater. Or if they’re an artist!
The point is- look for common interests and ask an open-ended question and see where it takes you!
Approach someone who is alone.
You never know- maybe that person standing alone is shy and introverted and will feel so relieved that you approached them!
Be authentic. Be yourself.
Sometimes the deepest connections can begin with just admitting you are shy or nervous, because you are being yourself, and authenticity and humility often is a quick way for others to feel comfortable around you and trust that you are someone they can feel safe around.
You could try:
- “I am kind of shy but I’m giving this a try and thought I’d say hi to you!”
- “Parties make me nervous, I never know if I will find someone to talk to or just stand around looking awkward.”
- “My social game is garbage but I noticed your (shirt/haircut/shoes) and… (open-ended question)”
Be willing to try new things.
Embrace your interests and try out new sports or activities!
This is a wonderful option for a number of ways. First- you can attend a callout or tryout and be new just like many of the others are. You’re not alone in the awkwardness or nerves, so you may find someone you can connect with over the fact that you are both nervous.
Second- going to a callout or tryout is not a long term commitment! You are simply checking it out. It may turn into a new passion where you meet lots of new friends (or even just one great friend), or maybe you choose to bow out gracefully.
And now, for the socially anxious:
First, once again: remember that you are not alone!
While only 2-5% of the population have a diagnosed social anxiety disorder, it’s more like one out of nine who have some degree of social anxiety!
Think: baby steps.
As you’re trying to push through your anxiety, know that even making eye contact or smiling at someone is a win! Give yourself credit even when you do the smallest steps.
Celebrate every small victory, be proud of yourself, and know that the more you practice, the better you will get at it.
Practice social skills when you’re comfortable. Those annoying family reunions? When you don’t feel pressure because they aren’t your peers and you care less what they think, it’s a perfect opportunity to practice talking to people.
Practice asking those questions! (See above!)
As discussed above in talking about those who are shy or introverted- people often feel more comfortable talking about themselves, and it helps them feel seen and heard.
So turn the spotlight on the other person every chance you get!
Think: courage.
Those of us with social anxiety often feel small and scared, so we sometimes have to try to grow into who we want to be.
Psych yourself up by telling yourself you are doing something brave- because you are!
And again: when you do something brave, be proud of yourself. The more often you do the hard thing, the easier it will get.
A few final tips:
Know that it will take practice.
Nothing worthwhile ever came without effort. You will feel less awkward and nervous the more you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Each time is one step closer to that time you finally can do it without second-guessing and psyching yourself up!
Try not to take it personally if someone doesn’t seem to want to connect.
If they don’t want to chat with you, try to let it go and move on. There are so many reasons they don’t seem receptive, most or all of which have nothing to do with you.
They could be even more nervous and shy than you.
They could be battling all sorts of insecurities that make them think you might not even like them once you get to know them.
And let’s be honest: maybe they’re just not all that nice. If they reject you because they think they’re better than you somehow? Well then you’re the one who is winning in that situation! Move forward and find someone who will appreciate you for you!
Remember your Why.
What is the reason behind wanting to be brave? When you can connect with why you want to push yourself outside your comfort zone, it can be easier to do the hard thing.
Remind yourself that you are an amazing and unique individual, deserving of friendship and connection. Because you are.
And know this: we totally know you may be dealing with all three of these challenging personality characteristics!
You may be shy, introverted, and socially anxious! And that’s okay. You were made the way you are for a reason. Maybe you weren’t gifted with the ability to walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation, but you were certainly given other gifts.
So, take the tools here that you find helpful. Give them a try. The ones you find useful, keep using! The ones that feel weird or awkward, let them go.
What matters most is that you keep showing up for yourself!
The reason we exist is to support young people just like you to have a meaningful support network, and that is why we hold our workshops!
In our workshops you will have the chance to make new friends and connect in a way that is unlike any other activity you do on a regular basis!
Hop on our email list to stay in the loop about upcoming workshops below!
Or you can come to one of our club social events! We have a Ready to Hope Club at Carmel High School, and whether you go to CHS or not, you are welcome to come to our social events! Find out more about those here, or get on our email list to stay connected!